Confession

Tim thinks I am super mom- he tells me this a few times a week. I look at him and smile every time he says this to me, but I have a confession to make- I am not super mom. It's during the night time hours that I sit and think. I lay in bed and hear my husband breathing slow and steady breaths right next to me. I lay in bed and hear the hum of Max's dialysis machine in the room next to mine. I lay in bed and have a very hard time turning my "switch" off. It's nights like tonight that reality hits me.

I think about life in general. Max's health. Transplant. Why Dr. Sheldon isn't going to be the one to perform the surgery. Life after transplant. Bladder augmentation. Life after bladder augmentation. Putting our house up for sale. Moving. Building our dream house. Moving again. Whether Max will be with us to enjoy all of the above.

I know I shouldn't think of the what if's. If I had a quarter for every time I heard that, I would be a rich woman. I am a worry wart at heart- always have been, always will be. I have always thought about the what if's and the risks that are involved with everything. It's just who I am and let's face it, the risks that are involved with this transplant are huge. We are risking mine and Max's life in hopes that it will make his life better. How are we to know that this won't make his life worse? We don't. We have to put all of our trust into Max's doctors, surgeons and God. God is really the only one who knows how all of this is going to turn out. I have prayed for some kind of sign that all is going to be okay. I am still waiting for that sign, but I am still keeping my faith.

I am afraid to think about life after June. I am so afraid to schedule a vacation for the end of summer or fall in fear that we will be going without our son. I am afraid to think about Max's big boy room. I have the playroom for the new house all planned out in my head, but am so scared that there won't be anyone to play in it. I am cherishing every waking moment with him right now for fear that I won't have him after the surgery.

I would be lying if I said that I don't want to do this transplant in June. I do. I am petrified, but so ready for Max to be "healthy." I want to get the machines and boxes of PD fluid out of our house. I want Max to want to eat versus us hooking him up to a feeding tube every 3 hours. I want Max to start walking, running, talking and playing like a regular two year old. I want to take Max to play dates and not get down because he is so far behind everyone else. I want to go on vacation without a truckload of medical supplies. What am I saying? I want to take Max on vacation, period.

The anticipation for the surgery is torture. I find myself googling things I shouldn't be googling. I read the transplant binder that I was given in the beginning in the evenings when I should be settling down to go to bed. Instead I am up into the early morning hours thinking and worrying about what life is going to be like. I have been in contact with a mama that I have met through a "Dialysis Babies" message board to ask her all of my questions. Her little guy, Logan, received his kidney 6 months ago at 18 months of age. She was kind enough to answer all of my questions and gave me permission to contact her with anymore that may come up. I know every child is different, but it's helpful to know that someone who was smaller and younger than what Max will be at the time of his transplant is doing fantastic with his new kidney. Thank you Jessica.

Three months from now, our lives are going to change. For the good or bad, we don't know. We trust our doctors, surgeons and nurses and feel that they will do what is absolutely the best for Max. He has come so far in his short 22 months of life. He has surprised all of us from the very beginning. God has not brought us this far to take him away from us now, right? We have worked so hard to get Max to where he is today. We have worked so hard to get to this point. We have cried and lost a lot of sleep to get Max to the point of transplantation. This has been our goal since Max was born. God most certainly wouldn't let us down now.

I am not super mom, but I am mom to a beautiful 22 month old little boy. A little boy who has taught me more life lessons than anyone ever could. A little boy who was brought into my life for a reason.

No, I am not supermom, but I am mom, and to that I am grateful.