I can't Sleep

I have been tossing and turning all night. I can't sleep. I have tried sitting in Max's room hoping that the background noise of his machines would soothe me to sleep. I tried laying back in bed, but I find myself staring at the ceiling thinking about all that's going on in life. Now I am here at 1:00am trying to take my frustration out on the computer- or to whoever will listen.

I am sure you all are tired of hearing me complain about everything that's going on in life. I apologize for this. To be completely honest with you, I am sick and tired of what all is going on in our lives.

I want the transplant coordinator to have called a month ago with the transplant date. How stinking hard is it to get a few surgeons and an OR room on the doggone calendar? Max has had 12 surgeries and it has NEVER taken this long to get it scheduled. This is not an optional surgery people. Tim also has paper work to get sent in BEFORE the surgery. Do they not realize that if this is to take place in July that we are only 2 1/2 months away from the month of July? Do they not know that Duke Energy is not an organized company and that it will be a miracle if the FMLA paperwork is back in time for Tim to take the leave of absence? Do all transplant families have to wait this long to get a date? I mean come on! We have known that this surgery was going to take place for 2 years now. Get it on the dang schedule!

I want this house to sell before the transplant. I am so stressed out about getting the house clean and ready for a showing, if we ever have a showing. It's only been a week, I know, but I am so impatient when it comes to meeting a deadline. This house needs to sell ASAP so that I can alleviate 10,000 pounds of stress off my shoulders.

I want our doggone builder to call us back with our estimate. It's been 2 months since we met with him and still nothing! We are starting to really question this one.

Then we have this "complex ovarian cyst." I am over this stupid cyst! I am so tired of thinking and worrying about this thing. I am so tired of having the thoughts of ovarian cancer running through my mind. I am pretty confident that it's not cancer considering I don't have any symptoms, but there is still that chance and that's all I needed to hear. Hearing that there is a small chance has scared the crap out of me and now that's all I think about. On top of the 110 other things that are going on in our life right now.

Oh yeah. Dialysis. Oh how I hate dialysis. Do I want to get into why I hate dialysis? Well I will give you a little glimpse into the reason. Max was doing fantastic for a very long time. Well God couldn't let it continue, because that's not how our life works. All good things have to come to an end right? Well, dialysis has gone to crap. Max isn't draining well at all. We are having to put him on all 2.5% strength to pull the extra fluid off. What does this mean and why is it such a big deal? Because we only have so much 2.5% solution and well we are running out. We are not going to have enough fluid to get us to our next shipment. I don't know why it's not going well anymore. We meet with Dr. Ben and Dr. Brad on Wednesday, so we will discuss it at that time. We are keeping him from having breathing complications, but we are running out of what we need to do so. I am really hoping that it's not his catheter failing, because that will put us into an emergency situation. Oh how I can't wait for the word "dialysis" to be eliminated from our vocabulary, at least for 20+ years (fingers crossed).

I want to complain about things that I can't complain about on here. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until all that's going on in our life goes away. Everyone keeps telling me to not let this get to me. Not to dwell on it and let everyone else involved take care of it. That is so easy for someone who is not in the middle of it to say. I so badly want our life to be "normal." All I want is a freaking break from all of this crap going on in our life.

Why God? Why are you doing this? Why do you keep throwing on more things to our already stressful and overflowing load of stuff to deal with on a daily basis? You know the saying, "God only gives you what you can handle." Well God, I can't handle anymore. You are testing me and you are about to push me over the edge. I can't handle anything else, you hear me? I am DONE!

Please give us the "normal" life that we long for. Please free Max from the everlasting nightly and morning routines. Please give him the chance to be a regular kid. Please give Tim and I the strength that we need to get through the ever growing list of things going on in our lives. Please let the thing that we can't talk about on here end in our favor. God, I am begging you to please take some of this stress away from me. I can't be the best mommy that I can to Max because of all of this other stuff going on. Please take it all away so that I can focus on what's most important in life. Please don't ask me to take on more than I can handle. God, please help us get through this.